Like many people wanting a mate, I’ve made lists upon lists of attributes I desired in a partner. I created collages envisioning what he would look like, do for a living, drive (I admit my shallowness), wear (ditto), read and be. Mental constructs of my ideal guy. My visualization seemed to “work” – many times, the descriptions I outlined came to be. Years ago, I even met one of the men I had cut out of a magazine and pasted into a collage. Yet often what looked good on the outside was missing something crucial on the inside.
Several editions into my collage, a wise friend gave me great advice. “Create a collage about how you want your life to feel, rather than look, with or without a man.” I took her advice. That collage led me to move home to Virginia from San Francisco, and it lives on my wall today. When faced with decisions, I go to it as a reference point for my heart. It contains images that represent feelings of home, centeredness, sexiness, inspiration, fullness, love, joy, friendship, strength and devotion.
Yesterday, I felt all of that combined, as I snuggled against my man on a rainy Saturday, after a great yoga class and fun pedicure conversation with a good friend. Looking out my window at bright green trees, here was the feeling I’d been walking toward for a long, long time: pure, open-hearted contentment.
You see, I think I’ve become reasonably whole (with much earthly and heavenly assistance). During the years of wanting, and not experiencing, a relationship of length and depth, I practiced cultivating a sense of joy and contentment within myself (sometimes kicking and screaming along the way). If I wanted to live a full life – no matter what – I had no other choice.
It is upon that foundation of love for myself, my winding path, and God, that I now find myself experiencing love for and from someone else.
There is a line from an Eva Cassidy song that describes the mechanism by which I recognize this relationship as deeply good: ‘Cause I know you by heart. Sure, my guy is amazing on paper; he’s handsome, smart, funny, directed, strong, kind, does good in the world, and all sorts of other things that have appeared on my lists. However, it is the feeling in my heart when I am with him that is startlingly different from the past.
I feel authentic, happy, seen, honored, adored, admiring, in love, and grateful. My breath is deep and full in my belly; my body is completely relaxed; and a mighty flower opens in the center of my heart. I believe this is how God intends for me to feel.
Last night, looking at my boyfriend while he studied for exams, I heard the words of a favorite Clay Walker song:
All I know is what I see when I look at you.
And all I see is what I’m feeling down inside.
And all I’m feeling is the feeling that I finally got it right.
I finally learned that it is the feeling – not the list – that makes something right.
What is your heart telling you? I’d love to know.
Tags: creating, faith, God, heart, love, men, receiving, wisdom of our bodies
April 26, 2010 at 2:32 pm |
It sounds true to me, Eleanor…good for you! Congratulations!
I am gonna make myself a ‘feelings’ collage! Is there an age limit to these collages and their magic?
May 28, 2010 at 6:20 pm |
Nice post! Thanks for sharing it. As soon as I find the time I’m going to make a collage like this.
June 5, 2010 at 3:11 am |
Thank you. Tonight I was a little discouraged until I read your blog & this post in particular. At the urging & modeling of my sister, I’ve created 2 collages, a full life picture & a separate prayer to the universe signally I am ready for a partner. As I read the post, I realized I chose to make a feelings collage (though I too have my lists & affinity for idealized images).
The 2nd collage is an unspecific image of a man & a woman standing side-by-side in a kitchen (that I find inspiring) and sharing a moment of laughter & closeness while helping each other do the dishes, maybe after a dinner in. Beside the couple I added a mailbox labeled w/the name of the month (then March). I wrote prayers for a healthy, genuine, lifelong love to come my way & put them in the mailbox. As time passes, I update the name of month, taping one on top of the other. When I got home today, I realized I need to find or write in June.
Reading your post confirmed that God has heard my prayers. I reflected on the self worth & care I have invested in over the past 4 mos, & one of the most important lesson I’ve learned: the journey to loving one’s self & being thankful for life requires a daily choice.
‘Right now’ may not be the time for me to meet him yet. But, I will continue in faith & hope with renewed confidence that I’m on the right path toward loving my life wholly now, while being open to the honor of loving & receiving love.
June 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm |
Liz, Thanks so much for writing so honestly. This is a beautiful line: “the journey to loving one’s self & being thankful for life requires a daily choice.” Sounds like you are on such a good and filling path. In my experience, the timing was so Divine I would not have had it any other way, even though I could only say that after the fact. All the work, waiting, frustration, and repeated attempts to let go and trust in a greater intelligence then made perfect sense. From the sincerity and clear heart in your writing, I’m sure it will for you too. xo – Eleanor