Posts Tagged ‘doubt’

A Blessed Mess

December 28, 2009
I wasn’t going to write this week. I’ve been in a bad way and wanted to hide. I didn’t want to dump my downward spiral on you, especially at the holidays. Then I remembered a friend saying she liked that I didn’t have it all together because it gave her permission to not have it all together either.
 
So here you go, Merry Christmas! You hereby have permission to be a total mess!
 
I’ve been feeling like Ally McBeal in a dream she once had where a surgeon cracks open her chest, looks into the cavity at her scar-covered heart and says, “This heart’s been broken! This heart’s been broken a thousand times!”  
 
Broken with regret, healed by forgiveness; broken with disappointment, healed by acceptance; broken with impatience, healed by trust. Does it ever stop? I think only when we’re six feet under.
 
Now, dear reader, beware, for what I’m about to admit, I would be kicked out of every workshop I’ve ever taken, flunked by every coach I’ve ever worked with, and deemed a prime “DON’T” in every self-help book I’ve ever read. For this is the strategy I decided to take on Christmas:
In order to take a break from heartache, I will no longer continue to hope that my dearest dreams are going to come true someday. Yes, they may still be possible, yet with all the time, money, and complete mind, body and soul energy I’ve put into creating my dreams, my heart is worn out and it just doesn’t seem up to me any way. 
 
And wouldn’t you know that despite this valiant, multi-day effort at negativity, self-pity and resignation, a new kind of hope is being born in me. Hope that when I finally let go of trying to make it happen, I’ll be shown what I’m really meant to experience, express and give in this lifetime. Hope that when I take a break from trying to get it right, I’ll get to just be me and let the chips fall where they may. They may just be beautiful.

Last night I listened to a Rob Bell sermon on those who hunger. In it he conveys that we are blessed IN the confusion, screw-ups and pain of our lives, not just when we finally “get it all together.”
 
I hope it is not the case, but if your heart is hurting this holiday season and your dreams are taking a whole lot longer than you’d like, I hope you’ll hang in there and let the ache transform you.
 
The mess is blessed. It’s ok to be here. Something good is happening.

Who Speaks to You?

November 24, 2009

Yesterday, I was introduced to Rob Bell by way of his Open video. I then proceeded to watch Flame, Whirlwind and She. (see NOOMA for downloadable full length versions.) I may be the last person in America to have heard about this hip and controversial Christian thinker. Let me say, it was instant wow and deep regard. Perhaps even infatuation (I admit I have a weakness for big thinking, cool-glasses-wearing, idealistic guys.)
 
He’s the evangelical pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and… a graduate of Wheaton College (note: they don’t dance there.) Hoo boy! Bible church, no dancing, and evangelical… that trifecta is more like “lions, tigers and bears” for liberal, pole dancing, multi-faith me! 
 
Yet I took it as a good sign that conservative bloggers blast him. In a Boston Globe interview he says the word “evangelical” has been ”hijacked” by the political right. He offers instead, ”I embrace the term evangelical, if by that we mean a belief that we together can actually work for change in the world, caring for the environment, extending to the poor generosity and kindness.”
 
He’s written a book called Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality; he honors the feminine qualities in God (that alone makes me want to move to Michigan) and he likens God’s care to that of a mother’s fierce, lay-down-her-life love for her children. He speaks with palpable commitment, yearning and gentleness. And most importantly for doubters like me, he struggles with having no answers to unanswerable questions.
 
I’m not writing about him so you too will think he’s great. I bring him up simply to say that this unexpected “evangelical” voice went straight to the heart of someone who feels closer to God on a yoga mat than dressed up in a pew.  
 
Who does that for you? Whose integrity inspires you? Whose passion speaks to the deepest questions in your heart? Whose values make you feel ah, yes, there is hope?
 
As you can tell, I love people who speak up about what they believe. People who say, “This is what I stand for. This is what I suffer. This is how I yearn to love and live.” By letting you know exactly who they are, they give you permission to take or leave them.
 
Richmond yoga teacher Aimee Yowell is another one who really goes for it. She is pure embodiment of what she teaches. With the spirit she exudes and the devotion to something greater that she brings to her teaching, each 1 hour and 15 minute class feels like a 3-hour journey to the core of it all. She is unabashed in moving as if the life of her soul depended on it. It’s infectious and it is an invitation to discover what frees my own soul. I love her willingness to put out there exactly who she is and the gift she offers.
 
Tell me, who turns you on to life? Who inspires you to rise up and participate with all you have in this magical, mystical ride? Tell me. Tell them. Tell others.

On doubt, faith and creating your future

September 14, 2009

This morning’s Daily Dharma from Tricycle: The Buddhist Review read, “We don’t have to let go, we simply have to not hold on.” (Joseph Goldstein, “Empty Phenomena Rolling On,” Tricycle, Winter 1993) 
 
This practice is not new to me or likely to most of you; however, it has never been nor has it yet become my strong suit. When I want something or love someone, I tend to hold on for dear life. The only thing that has ever helped me to gracefully (rather than reluctantly) loosen my grip is my belief that when I place whatever I deem dear in the care of a power greater than myself, the issue will be resolved for the highest good of all involved. That, really, is what I want most.
 
Easier said than done! Especially when one really isn’t exactly sure just what that “something greater” is!
 
I’m reading the memoir Faith Under Fire about Army Chaplain Roger Benimoff’s  counseling of soldiers during his two tours of duty in Iraq, his wrestling with God about the carnage and heartbreak of war, and his reintegration with home life and family as a changed man. Talk about grappling with trust in something greater.
 
In this area of knowing, feeling, surrendering to and co-creating with a higher power, I am a fan of the expression, “There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in all the creeds.” (Alfred Lord Tennyson) I doubt sometimes and I ask for help anyway. For me, it’s better than feeling stuck out on the ledge by myself.
 
Tomorrow, Floricane’s John Sarvay and I begin facilitating a two-day workshop, NextSteps, to help people in life and career transition determine what they most deeply wish to create for their future and who they’ll need to become to generate it.
 
A number of teachers talk about this process as “co-creation. It has indeed been my experience that after we make the decision to follow that small voice inside of us, create a magnificently detailed vision and strategy, and prepare our body, mind and heart to live this future, then… we must turn our brilliant plan over to a power greater than ourselves for editing, for alignment, for infusion of spirit, and for ongoing assistance.
 
Our job is to remain flexible, surrender our strong hold on how it must turn out, and trust (with honest, struggling doubt) in the perhaps slightly altered direction in which we are lead.
 
That, I believe, is how we’ll create a future that serves our own and the greater good.


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